I’ve always felt a little different. I love my family very much, but I don’t really feel like I fit in. Can’t really explain why – it’s just a feeling and it hurts. It’s very painful. It has gotten a lot better since I’ve gotten sober, but as a child I did have a tough time and I drank over it a lot when I got older. The first time I remember this pain being real I was about 7 or 8 years old. I had been outside playing in the woods and came in to tell everyone (mom, and sisters who were in the bedroom getting dressed to go somewhere) something that had happened. I can’t remember what it was, but it was very serious and sensitive to me. When I shared my experience everyone started laughing. I felt so unheard and unimportant, and started crying. They remarked how crazy it was (not validating my feelings) and I ran to my room and cried for a long time. When I calmed down I got a piece of poster board and drew a very technical looking machine on the board, and wrote on the bottom “when I grow up I am going to invent a feeling machine”. I posted it in the hallway of the house. I received more jeers, and laughter followed by sarcastic remarks of all kinds.

My family rolls that way, but I never have enjoyed those “funny sarcastic remarks”. It tore my heart into pieces. I will never forget that day. When I got older and still was carrying that pain I turned it into something I would drink over. It was a common practice for me to chuck everything and just get drunk. This always made things worse, sometimes so much so that I forgot about the problem that triggered the pain. I could not deal with it in a responsible normal way. Drinking was my answer to this hurtful event even though it was years later. I selfishly turned it into a dramatic event and an excuse to get drunk. I had long term resentments. It was one reason I began to feel different instead of belonging. Once I found sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous I worked the 12 steps and rid myself of these resentments. In sobriety we are given choices. We actually do have the choice of pausing, letting the anger drain away, and then taking charge of the situation by knowing that God is working along with us. By doing this, we can eventually raise our threshold of pain. Knowing God’s got my back is comforting as well.