In an earlier post I said that I felt like I would not be ok unless I had a beer an arm’s length away from me at all times. That brings back a horrible memory for me from my childhood. Once again I must make myself very clear that I love my mother and she did an awesome job raising all us girls. What she did that emotionally hurt me was not intentional. She had no idea what she was doing. She had my best interest at heart. I didn’t even know that what happened until years later was emotional abuse. So when I was around 11-12 years old and beginning puberty I began to put on a little weight like all girls do. I had been a string bean all my life up to that point. My mother had it in her head that I needed to lose weight. I look back at photos now and I really was not overweight, but in her head I was. Remember I was codependent on her and wanted so much to please her.

So we would go to the public library and check out diet books. If one diet didn’t work then after two weeks back we went to get a different one. This went on for months. The really hurtful insane part though was every morning before I got dressed I had to weigh naked in front of a mirror while she documented my weight on a chart taped to the mirror. It was horrible. I felt embarrassed, fearful of if my weight went up from the day before. If my weight went up even a quarter pound she would say, “All right you have to get that quarter pound off today and try to get a little more too.” The pressure to lose the weight was so heavy on my heart and mind. This is the reason my first addiction was Ex-lax. A laxative that I would take every day to hopefully make my weight go down even though I was hardly eating anything. I took Ex-lax for months. It’s probably why my digestive system is so screwed up today. It was hard for me to keep my mind on my studies and my other activities. At supper time she would not let me fix my own plate. She fixed my plate like I was a child. Again, she had no idea how dysfunctional all this was. I hid biscuits and other food under my bed and my sisters would laugh at me when they found it. I never told anyone what was going on because I was afraid too. I hid the food because I was hungry. She would buy me beautiful clothes in a size 6 (I was a 10) and put them in my drawer with a note on them that said “not to be worn until you weigh 122 lbs.” I had never been around such a controlling person in all my life. I didn’t know that until years later though. This pain is something later in years I drank over. It angered me and I didn’t know what to do with that anger. I was an emotional mess. When people today control me or things related to me it really triggers me. I struggle with it, but today I have my sobriety program that helps me cope with it. I’ve learned to set healthy boundaries and create quiet spaces for myself.  I’ve learned that there are a lot of good people in this world, but not all people are good for me. I don’t have to drink  about things like this anymore. Thing like this still hurt, but dealing with it straight up and honest makes the pain less. It takes a lot of courage to do this, but I promise you it’s the right way.