The last few years of my drinking I knew without a doubt I had a problem. I promised myself every day that tomorrow would be different. I would not drink tomorrow, but I could only resist for an hour, and by 10:00am I would pop the top on a beer and off I go again. I could drink a case a day. Every day that went by I tried to not drink for that one day and every day I was unsuccessful. I begin to hate myself. I told myself I was worthless, and had no willpower (stopping drinking has NOTHING to do with willpower – more on that later). The shame covered me from head to toe. Keeping secrets from my parents lead to much guilt and stress.
It was June of 2000. Do you remember the GOAL award I posted about in the post “What happened – the drinking career begins”? Well to quickly recap – I won that award in 1986, and now 14 years later the GOAL committee asked me to come back and photograph the 4-day event. My drinking had escalated to an all-time high. I was honored they asked me to come and I accepted. On the third day of the event there was a motivational speaker at 10am. I slept in and missed hearing him or photographing it. When I finally went down to start my duties I heard that the speaker was so good and so well received that he was asked to speak again at 2pm. I had really wanted to hear him the first time so I felt lucky to get another chance to hear him.
I went in a few minutes early and I would say there was about 500 chairs in the room, and about 100 people were up front seated. I chose the very back row near the door. It made me stand out, but I wanted a quick way out if I didn’t like him, or if I wanted to just go drink. It wasn’t long before I sat down that he noticed me and insisted that I come up and complete the seating on the front row. I tried to get out of it, but there was no way he would let me. I noticed before he started his speech he went behind the stage and bowed his head for a moment and prayed. He came out and began. The very first thing he said was, “I want you all to know I am glad to speak a second time. There is one person in this room that I will be speaking too. One person needs to hear my story today. One and only one. I think you all will enjoy my talk, but I know deep inside me one person will hear my message and it will resonate with them.” I thought nothing of what he was saying at all. Did not phase me in the least. He began his talk and told of his story being addicted to drugs and alcohol for years. How his addiction nearly killed him as he laid on the floor one night contemplating suicide in his apartment, and finally called a hotline to help him. Everything in his story I resonated with and the tears began to flow down my face. I could not stop crying. He finished with how wonderful his life of recovery was today, and how thankful he was to be alive. That life was truly worth living and God had a real purpose for him.
After he finished his talk I walked up to him nearly sobbing and just said, “I’m the one.” He smiled and asked me to take a seat and he would be with me in a moment. He came over a few minutes later, and we talked. We talked for at least an hour. I shared my fears of knowing that I could not put a drink down for even an hour. He suggested I go to Alcoholics Anonymous and go to as many meetings as I could. I was grateful for his time and the things we shared. We exchanged phone numbers and he told me it was up to me if I wanted to change my life. We said our goodbyes, and I went down to the bar for a beer. It just seemed to difficult and overwhelming at the time. I wanted to change. I wanted to quit drinking. Could this be the beginning of a new life? Here I am at the GOAL awards where 14 years earlier I was at the top of my game winning this prestigious award as the top vocational technical education student in the state of Georgia. Now, 14 years later I sit a drunk bum. Lower than low. Wondering what happened to me? What happened to the confident outgoing determined Allison that was a high achiever? Maybe I’ll find an AA meeting after I drink this beer…..
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