Hey Everybody!! I haven’t posted in a few weeks because my bipolar has been way out of whack. It can creep up or down on you so quickly. I was doing just fine, and I woke up one morning and just started crying for no reason. I felt the most awful anxiety inside. It was like fear, being scared, and a panic attack all rolled up inside me at once. At the same time I really felt depressed also even though the anxiety made me feel jumpy and jittery. It’s just like alcoholism — it is a disease of extremes. I used to drink to drown this horrible feeling when I was down, and I would drink to calm myself down when I was up. I did not know I was bipolar when I was drinking. I was not diagnosed until after I got sober, and needed outside help. I am on medication, and quite frankly am suicidal without it. Three days into this bout of it, and I was thinking suicide again. I just wanted relief and wanted to not feel those horrible feelings. I was not comfortable in my own skin. My thoughts would take me to some crazy places.

Luckily my doctor got me in to see her in one day. A few tweaks of the meds and after about 3 days I started feeling better, but I sensed I was heading toward manic or a big manic attack which is the opposite end of the spectrum. I like being manic. It feels good and I get lots done when I am manic, but eventually I crash and burn and the burn is worse than the first time. So I called the doc and we made another tweak of the meds. It’s been 3 days now and I feel really good.

I am sure that part of why this came on so quickly is because I quit going to regular meetings. My home group is a 7am meeting and I try to go at least 4 times a week. I usually can get up without an alarm at 5:30-6:00. About 3 months ago I started not waking up and sleeping in until 9 or 10. It seemed like I had to have a shovel to peel myself from the bed I was so exhausted even though I had just had a good night’s sleep. So I just didn’t go to meetings. I was stubborn about going to my 7am meeting, and never gave it a thought that there are other meetings I could have attended  — like the 11am meeting. So I went for 3-4 months without meetings. This I am sure started making me insanely crazy. I kept thinking I’ll go in the morning. Just like when I was drinking and I would say “I’ll quit tomorrow”. Same insane behavior. The “isms” never go away. It reminds me that the alcohol is just a symptom.

So when I got in enough pain I not only went back to the doctor, but I started back to meetings. Not 4 a week, but 7. I went everyday to the 11am meeting. I still couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t make the 11am, and start learning to know new people at that meeting. I poured my heart out in that first week, and was welcomed with open arms. That’s what I love about meetings. No matter how much you screw up nobody yells, or laughs, or ridicules you. They say welcome and what can I do to help you? They give lots of hugs and there is something spiritual about hugs. Something that feels good to lean on another alcoholic after you have isolated yourself for the last 3-4 months. It’s been about 2 weeks now and I am feeling so so so much better. Something magical about the meetings. There medicine for the alcoholic. Don’t miss meetings. Everytime someone comes back in after relapsing I ask why? They always say, “I quit going to meetings”,