My sponsor asked me to start writing about my drinking life as applied to the steps. The First Step as I was writing kept playing over and over in my head….” We were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.” I had to take the sentence apart to make sure I understood what it really meant. How exactly was I powerless over alcohol? I guess because I have no defense against that first drink. That’s what the Big Book tells me, because once the first drink goes in to my body the phenomenon of the craving starts and I can’t have just one. When that happens and I play that movie all the way to the end I’m usually 3 sheets to the wind, and have had a blackout, and falling down drunk. All because I took one drink saying I’ll just have one. I never would drink just one. So, the end of the movie is the unmanageable part of my life. I have no structure; no responsibility; no organization; staggering around everywhere very embarrassing; no memory of what took place the night before; a horrible hangover for days; would have to call in sick for work; would not make special events for my family; and I would sober up in a day or so and the cycle would start all over again even though I swore that this was it. I would stop drinking starting today. Insanity and Unmanageability Big Time!!

This time was different though. I had had enough. Writing and journaling about it brought it so much to life for me that it really made me sick to my stomach. I began to realize just how bad my life was in a mess. But I was committed this time to get my life back on track. I called my sponsor on day 2 and told her I had not drank the day before and had 1 day sober. That had never happened in 15 years of continuous drinking. That was so huge for me. The next thing for me to do was go to bed, and wake up the next day ready for another one day at a time.